So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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