In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
