My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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