I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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