I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
