please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
