Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize