i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
