I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize