Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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