have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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