And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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