I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Text me some of your sweat
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
