dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
