I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
