dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
