Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
