it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
