I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
