Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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