ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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