Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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