I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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