you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
