If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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