I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
