I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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