im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
