Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
