Swine flu. Run for my life!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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