We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
