I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
