I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
