good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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