they need to just BURY HIM!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
