I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
