I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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