I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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