I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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