Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
