The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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