Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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