I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
how drunk are you?
Several
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
