we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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