glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
