her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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