she woke up with a sticky ear
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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