Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
