I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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