nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
