From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize