Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
