we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
