made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
