I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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