Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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